Update

Ok. Here's where I've been stuck lately. Faith. What is faith? Answer me that without saying, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" because that's JUST the type of cryptic, unhelpful answer that I'm incredibly tired of hearing. A particular item of discussion is the verse, "faith comes from hearing the message". This is probably in reference to "How can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard?. The Message translates it, "Before you trust, you have to listen".
Here's what I want to know. I have TINY faith. Maybe it's mustard-seed-esque. I don't know. I have an inset, almost (possibly??) predetermined disposition that prohibits me from deciding or believing that God does not exist, or whatever else. I have long found myself in the position that the psalmist writes of, saying, "Whom have I in heaven but You? And the earth has nothing that I desire besides You". I think Peter says something similar: "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. 69We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God"
So I have some belief. A gift of saving faith. but....what if it stops there?
It seems that, in the clutch, I trust God, but only with the desperation that a person falling throws his arms out in front of him, certain they'll catch on something. It's my instinct to pray out of panic, but not out of delight or even interest or trust. Truthfully, my suspicion of God runs so deep that I sometimes wonder why I pray at all if I don't believe that God will help me, and if I don't believe He loves me.
I have heard before that this is a version of pride -- believing that you are too small for God's radar or too broken for His healing, or too lost for His love, that your own ability to be pathetic is greater than God's ability to love you. Maybe it is....but I'm not sure I even feel that way. I don't feel lowly or evil or damaged. I feel like I might as well not even exist; that I am just a part of "the world" and God thought it would be a shame to let a whole species go down the celestial drain. "God so loved the world," but not ME. I'm a tiny who down in Whoville, and I pray to a God who is real, but everything I Know is just a tiny fraction of a little world that's just barely a speck on a tiny clover that's just like every other clover in the giant cosmic jungle of Nool...and now I'm ridiculous for making that analogy. I feel squared-away with God, but like He could never take notice. It's like when David was talking to me and saying that God loves everyone equally, but not everyone has His favor. To be loved that way isn't what I'm longing for, and I don't feel I could ever become important enough to earn His favor. After all, we do EARN His favor, don't we? And yet I remember those priceless little notes, "you are worth more than many sparrows," "even the hairs of your head are numbered," "If you, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in Heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave him up as an offering for us, will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?"
I want to be the most important person in His world. Is this that pride coming up? Do I need to just get over the fact that I'm NOT more important than anyone else, and that God is never going to have a special love for me? Or does He? I've heard that He does. That I only exist because He wants me to, specifically. Only because He desires to be in my presence, delights in my beauty, laughs at my jokes, appreciates my personality and point of view. I've heard that God himself is not incomplete, but that my love is individual, and can only come from ME, and brings Him specific delight and enjoyment. Is this true?
Maybe God loves me (Isaiah, Hosea, etc...), but why is JESUS so stern? So cryptic? Why don't His words make sense, and why doesn't He ever seem to laugh or tell jokes? I need to feel His approval.

Or do I need to trust it without feeling it? Is that faith?
Did I just answer my own question?