mm

Mmmm...yesterday the weather was SO NICE. David and I took a walk downtown and visited several fun places. It was just enjoyable to be outside again, and to not feel like students. We went to a home + garden store, and I got really nostalgic about when I was a kid and we used to grow vegetables in our garden. I want to do that again so badly; I just didn't realize until I was at the store. I like living in a city where there is always something interesting to do. But, at the same time, I hate having to scout around for a patch of grass to sit in, or a ray of sunshine you can have to yourself. I worry about my kids growing up too fast, but, on the other hand, I want my kids to have all the opportunities they could ever need.

Why am I talking about this? This is how I get myself into panic attacks....worrying about stupid things in the unforeseeable future......ok.

I actually wanted to write again about spiritual things. I don't know how good it really is to seek God as a measure of desperation, but, if that's what it takes, then whatever. Something has been happening in my heart this weekend, and I've been fighting against it tooth and nail. On Friday night, we went to Abby's and talked about some Bethel stuff. (It ALWAYS comes down to Bethel stuff, it seems). Anyway, Abby read a passage from Beni Johnson's "The Happy Intercessor" in which a man who she called a Holy Spirit conduit laid hands on her, and she fell to the ground shaking uncontrollably for a long, long time. Later, a woman came up and asked her if she was in good health. She answered yes, and the woman said, "then more, Lord", and the shaking recommenced with renewed violence. When it all had subsided and she asked God what all that had been about, He answered, "I was shaking out of you the strongholds of your life", and she went on to explain how this encounter with God changed her life and made over her personality from shy to an empowered woman of God.

This story frightened and upset me. I have know for some weeks now that I want to be "born again". Not because I haven't made peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access, by faith, into this grace in which we now stand, but because I feel like I've never had that heart-makeover of truly LOVING God. OR maybe I have, but at least that's what I ache for now.

Despite this, I've been so resistant. A large part of me unswervingly believes that the whole of Christianity is a bunch of hokum, and the idea of laying myself on the line for the supposed ability to be "closer" to God or to know and do the Divine will seems laughable, at best.

But David and I talked at length about this. (I hate how things he says don't sink in until I hear it from another source....I guess I'm just THAT headstrong, but I hate it...) Anyway, he told me that God loves me, and made me exactly how I am, complete with talents, interests, proclivities, and idiosyncratic behaviors. The idea that God would have me throw all that out the window is absurd, if not, in itself, some kind of heresy. I need to stop running away from the one thing that I know will fulfill me, which means a willingness to be vulnerable, and accept change. Uuugh that makes me uncomfortable.

Anyway, last night I found myself praying. For David, mostly. I found it hard NOT to at least try to pray after the touching prayer David offered for me on Friday night. I was rendered so speechless by it; it seemed my only option was to speak with my heart to the only One who can hear it since nothing came out of my mouth. I told Him that I didn't want to change, and didn't want to surrender myself to Him and His purposes. But I want to want to. I want Him to change my heart so that I can have the strength to be vulnerable, or to embrace change. I said, "I'm begging you. Make me want to.", and today it was easier to pray.

I stumbled across an article today in a British online fashion magazine. It was about (at first glance) praying for God to give you great style. I laughed at this a little, but it ultimately came down to an article on prayer -- how prayer is less about asking God for things and more about letting Him in to the day-to-day of your life, even if it's, "God, I really need to find the right dress for this event, and I'm running out of time....."

The author joked, "Jesus is my stylist", and went on to discuss God's sense of humor and enjoyment of us -- how giving your life to God is not necessarily about upheaving life change or becoming a nun or a missionary. She said that being a Christian is less about what you do with your life and more about how you do it, which reminded me of something Pastor Ken said on Sunday -- that living the Christian life is not about trying to live CHRIST'S life, but about living OUR life Christ's way, and in His strength.

Hm.

Thought-provoking.

For the entire article: click here.