New post while I have time.

Whoohoo! It's no longer February!
Spring break was a nice time to be home. The week of relaxing and working went smoothly. I detected two major themes over break. The first one is a little ambiguous to me in terms of how it should affect me, but the theme itself was exceedingly obvious --> I am SO MUCH like my dad!! For better or for worse, our temperaments and impulses are nearly identitcal. I got a bad haircut, and now even our heads looks similar.
The second theme was how incredibly ugly I am on the inside. It started with Friday, when I was so angry at a friend that I couldn't even be in the same room as her, and then I was really unkind to David as well, and subsequently got grouchier and grouchier. I don't even know why.
He pointed out to me that, before I snapped at him, he had been on his highest spiritual high in years, and he was about to burst with excitement to tell me about it, and then I deflated him with my stabbing remarks. What hurt most was knowing that our opportunity to bond over that was lost when our fellowship was broken. that made me SO SO sad. I almost cried. I have been thinking for a while now just how far I am from the type of woman that I feel is David's "match". I was reminded again when I was talking with Megan about her trip out to Bethel, and she mentioned that the women she was staying with were so Spirit-filled. I realized how much I miss that, and how I'm not even sure I know what the Spirit-filled life looks like anymore. Now, if David had met me senior year in high school.....

Well....we'd've (ha...new contraction) had a lot to work out, but from the spiritual side, I was DOING things, and praying and I felt like I knew God well, and we liked each other. I was waist-deep in it, and wading out ever-further. These days, I've gone back to the basics -- testing the water with the soles of my feet and deciding if I am in it enough to go up to my ankles. But God has answered my prayers and I WANT more. How much can I have? How fast? I don't want or need to grow superficially. I have become frustrated by this lately.
On Saturday when Dave came, I think a small breakthrough occurred in my heart. We drove Andy to church for his praise band practice, and explored the new wing of the building. There were some fun murals for the children that we had fun looking at until we got to a mural of Jesus, laughing heartily on a yellow backdrop, with 6 or 8 squirming kids crawling all over him. I kinda made a face staring at it, then looked at David and said, "Is that REALLY Jesus?"
He knew what I meant, and responded, "TOTALLY. That's DEFINITELY Him. All the Guy ever did was love!!"
I've been praying that that image of Jesus -- delighted and laughing -- would be the first image to come to my mind of Jesus from now on. I want to believe that He loves to laugh, and cherishes the simplicity of children. So often I consider him as grave and impatient with my immaturity, as through He'd love me truly if I understood it all and could sit down over coffee or tea and have an intelligent conversation with Him.

But no -- I love this Jesus. I hope He's real.

Today, David was like, "You frustrate me. Why can't you believe that God wants to be personal with you?!" He went on to explain that, in my faith, I am at the maturity level of one of those squirmy little kids in the Jesus picture. But THAT Jesus wouldn't begrudge those kids anything their hearts desire, clearly. He delights in them and cherishes their laughter. He is lighthearted and gentle. Maybe it's not too far-fetched to think that Jesus delights in me too, and might do things just to make me smile....hmmm....

More to follow.