Good said, “God is love.”
I wondered if I made that up. I hate when the answers that I know come in and usurp the voice I want to hear.
I said, “God, I want to hear your voice. Sometimes I feel like everything I know about you is all made up and is just living inside my head. “
God said nothing. At least nothing I could hear. I kept waiting.
I thought again of my stomach, and I could feel it gurgling. I remember writing about it for a blog post; about how I don’t understand it, but I trust it when I hear it’s promptings deep inside of me, I know what to do to have life. I feel a need to be fed. I wonder about my expectations of God. I feel like Jesus has to be greater than my stomach. He has to be more than a primal force, even if He is relevant for survival.
I said, “God, would you please talk to me?”
Somebody said – Isaiah said _-- “But God does speak, one way, then another, even though we don’t always perceive it.”
I said, “I want to perceive. I am sick of hearing Satan’s voice so clearly like a whisper in my ear and trying to hear Jesus but all I can do is watch His lips move and hear nothing meaningful….and I can’t tell if He’s angry or if He loves me, or if he feels anything at all. I can’t tell if He’s human or divine or if He’s god the Father or if He’s someone else, or if I’ve ever even met Him before. Jesus, who the heck are you?”
Jesus answered, “I and the Father are One.”
I answered, “but what does that mean?”
Jesus answered, “if you know God, you know me.”
I asked, “are you different people? How’s your personality? Why are you so grave? Did you ever have any fun? Do you love me? Why or why not?”
Jesus answered, “For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.”
I answered, “But you?”
Jesus said, “I prayed for You. Read it. Hear what I said about you.’
I said, “Alright.”, and I secretly hoped it would change my mind.
I read it, and chewed a little. “Okay, so you’re One. You want believers to be one with each other the way that you and the Father are connected. And what is that? Separate people, separate personalities, same values?” Jesus, is that true? Why are you so hard to understand?
Jesus didn’t say anything, but reminded me that a lot of people have trouble understanding. Paul said that the mystery of godliness is great. He even said that “this is a profound mystery, but I am talking about Christ and the church”. Jesus is called a stone that causes men to stumble. That sounds about right. I’m stumbling over Jesus big time.
I asked God, “God, please banish other spirits from this room and from my mind and body and from in and around my heart. I don’t need any other voices right now, and if I’m going to be following my imagination and listening in prayer, I really need your help. Please kick out everyone else, and I’ll believe that the thoughts that I have and the words that I find are really yours and that you care enough to talk with me right now. It’s hard. I’ll try.”
I keep hearing that song in my head over and over: “Without faith it is impossible to please Him (without faith, without faith) He who comes to Him must believe He exists; He’s the rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.”
So I’m supposed to please God by believing that He exists first off, and then believing that, if I keep seeking Him, something WILL come out of it. I’ll be rewarded.
The good news is that that actually addresses a lot of what’s going on in my mind/heart etc. How do I please God? What kind of faith is good faith? What do I have to believe about God? What if I only believe that He exists? Why keep seeking Him? I just need to believe that I’ll find Him if I keep searching diligently. Ok. I can give that a try. ::sigh::
Another God said/I said.
No comments:
Post a Comment