I believe firmly in the fact that every desire we have comes from God, and exists only to be fulfilled. I also believe that sin messes everything up, including our desires. There are many things we long for (revenge and perfection are two examples) that will not be fulfilled until the end of times when God avenges the righteous, judges the wicked, and finally imposes His glory on the physical realm.
But there is one desire in me that is stronger than any other, and I don't know if or how it will ever be fulfilled. That is the desire for God. To know Him fully and thoroughly, dissolved through-and-through in His glory and goodness and holiness and faithfulness, and justice and righteousness and completeness. I want to understand it all, to know Him intimately with all His Truth and all His desires, and His reason for being, which is probably just sheer awesomeness, actually.
I find myself sliding, for better or for worse, into charismatic teachings, the likes of which I'd been trained to dismiss or awkwardly avoid during the vast majority of my childhood, including all of middle school and high school. Truth be told, I just don't know anymore. I've been through some tough times in my faith, including those when I didn't know if I wanted to believe in Jesus anymore. It was the people in my life with a huge, miraculous view of God that truly influenced me and were close to me while I wrestled with whether or not God was good or whether Jesus loved me, or whether I could trust the Holy Spirit. Obviously it is because of Jesus, and not because of these people, that I still believe, but what I mean to say is that they are radical Christ-followers, whose faith is everything to them, and whose joy, desire, and fervency is infectious, and inspires careful evaluation of the disconnect between my beliefs and the way I live.
This summer (which is, weirdly, drawing to a close) has been an interesting one, which would doubtless make more sense seen from any distance or perspective other than my own; throwing it under a microscope, or backing out by a few years on either side, I believe, would yield impressive clarity. I have been in unexpected places with unexpected people, encountering, wrestling with, and realizing unexpected thoughts and feelings. I have changed a lot-- to the extent that, when Dave talks with me from China, he says that he knows he needs to come home because he is no longer able to predict what I will think, say, or do. I am finding a truer sense of self and fulfillment in Jesus Christ and His promises. I am learning that we can claim His promises, and that God is still God whether He does OUR will or not. But in the same way that getting closer to a mirror increasingly exposes our flaws, the closer I seem to get to aligning myself with God's heart for His creation of life, the universe, and everything, the greater and wider the void I seem to feel-- the greater the feeling of lack in my knowledge of, and intimacy with, God. Nevertheless, these feelings are tempered with the peace that comes from timely application of Truth, and the realization that "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness".
I still have many questions, and things (BIG things) that I am not sure about the validity and truth of, a heart full of heavy, burning, longing desires, and years and years of indoctrination that step on the toes of my needy spirit, causing me to doubt, fear, and hold back. One fear is the fear that my soul will never be satisfied-- that my desire is too great for God to fill. Or, worse, that He is great enough, but not kind enough. These thoughts clearly need to be addressed. But, disregarding the totally pervading, ridiculous wrongness of those concerns, I wonder if and when my desires will be fulfilled. Will I ever be satisfied by God in my mortal life? Or is my imperfect, unglorified body unable to handle the awesomeness of its Creator? I know those moments when the Word of God speaks, or when His presence falls and I feel the frailty and weakness of my flesh, and yearn for a glorified body that will not break under the plea of "more, God, more....".
What will become of me?
I want to know.
What will it take for my soul to be satisfied?
2 comments:
God made himself a man. I think he's able to change you into a being that can receive his glory and be made whole. He wants to and will satisfy your desires.
The other day I read a verse in Joel that said, "The LORD will reply to them: 'I am sending you grain, new wine and oil, enough to satisfy you fully'."
Later in the chapter, it says, "And AFTERWARD, I will pour out my Spirit on all people". Peter says that this was fulfilled at Pentecost, so the former must've been fulfilled even BEFORE that. So God has sent/is sending enough to satisfy us fully. Hm.
Post a Comment