It's nothing grand...

It's just a few thoughts.

* Jesus dealt with the broken through the extension of mercy.

* I think a moralist environment is a toxic environment for the human soul.

* Maybe misery loves company because we long to feel like we're not the most broken one. "There's redemption in confession and freedom in the light". If everyone is wrong, suddenly it seems like being wrong isn't such a bad thing.

Love is a Battlefield....or something like that.

Two posts in three days.

SHOCKING.

I just heard the new Jordin Sparks song "Battlefield", which featured the lyrics:

"Why does love always feel like a battlefield? Better go and get your armor!!"

I have a feeling she's talking about romantic relationships, in which case, this is epically bad advice (putting your guard up around those you care for is a surefire way to make sure you never get the closeness you crave with them), but in the spiritual realm, how I heard it, these words rung with Truth.

I have been thinking a fair bit about warfare in the last few days.

It took me a long time to realize that I am not a refugee in a war-torn country, and I'm not just caught helplessly in the crossfire of some invisible, unseen war. Someone reminded me that, in the final battle, it is we, the saints, who will be fighting off the principalities and powers of this dark world. There is so much in this world that we just hand over to the enemy because we don't want to exert the energy to fight for it. "The thief comes only to kill and destroy", and he does it well because he is sneaky, and often convinces us to agree with him. Especially in the area of fear.

I have battled aimless, irrational fear for most of my life, and I've come to realize fairly recently that God's love for us is perfect, and "perfect loves drives out fear". This fear that I feel is not just a chemical response in my brain with which I am inevitably, and eternally, saddled-- the fear is an attack from the devil that, at best, terrifies and addles me, and, at worst, causes me to panickedly deny God's goodness or very existence. But, when the fear comes, what has changed? "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you"?

The Holy Spirit is IN me. The terrors are outside of me, and absolutely cannot be allowed in unless I open the door and ask them to come in. And, appropriately, there is no room for the fear to come in unless I suppress the Holy Spirit, and squash it down to size to make the fear fit in. This is war, and I am a warrior. The battle is to say yes to the love, and say no to the fear.

Better go and get your armor.

Eph 6:^10"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. ¹²For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. ¹⁸And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."

Basically, I loved hearing this new Jordin Sparks song. I could, actually, skip the whole song to about ~2:30 and only listen to "Better go and get your armor!", which is exactly the encouragement I need in order to feel inspired to gird myself in truth, righteousness, faith, thorough understanding of the Gospel, faith, the full implications of my salvation, the Spirit, and the Word. And prayer, of course. Prayer seems like one of the biggest weapons that we have.

Jordin Sparks is speaking the Truth here whether she knows it or not. And why does love always feel like a battlefield? Because it IS. Loving others? Accepting God's love? These are things that Satan hates, and he is a powerful enemy, but God's love is stronger than the devil's hatred. And that's all he's got. That's all he's ever gonna get, because, at the end, we're going to ride through on horses, slice the hell out of his minions (wordplay intended), and we're gonna watch with adoration in our hearts for God as Satan is cast down into the flaming abyss forever and ever, amen. I mean, Amen!!!! Personally, I hope I get at least one good slice in on the guy, and that his final demise looks something like the end of Star Wars I, The Phantom Menace, but infinitely more awesome.

So anyway.

Basically, I want to take that chunk of the song and make it my ringtone. Either that, or "Taking Over for the Kingdom". That'd be a good choice as well, though a bit obvious, since the next line is "Put that on your ringtone!". And, if you know me....I shun the obvious.

P.s. The chorus and ending sections of "Battlefield" actually use the same chorus chords as "Our God is an Awesome God".....which I found, obviously, awesome.

Life, the Universe, and Everything

Am I ever going to be satisfied?

I believe firmly in the fact that every desire we have comes from God, and exists only to be fulfilled. I also believe that sin messes everything up, including our desires. There are many things we long for (revenge and perfection are two examples) that will not be fulfilled until the end of times when God avenges the righteous, judges the wicked, and finally imposes His glory on the physical realm.

But there is one desire in me that is stronger than any other, and I don't know if or how it will ever be fulfilled. That is the desire for God. To know Him fully and thoroughly, dissolved through-and-through in His glory and goodness and holiness and faithfulness, and justice and righteousness and completeness. I want to understand it all, to know Him intimately with all His Truth and all His desires, and His reason for being, which is probably just sheer awesomeness, actually.

I find myself sliding, for better or for worse, into charismatic teachings, the likes of which I'd been trained to dismiss or awkwardly avoid during the vast majority of my childhood, including all of middle school and high school. Truth be told, I just don't know anymore. I've been through some tough times in my faith, including those when I didn't know if I wanted to believe in Jesus anymore. It was the people in my life with a huge, miraculous view of God that truly influenced me and were close to me while I wrestled with whether or not God was good or whether Jesus loved me, or whether I could trust the Holy Spirit. Obviously it is because of Jesus, and not because of these people, that I still believe, but what I mean to say is that they are radical Christ-followers, whose faith is everything to them, and whose joy, desire, and fervency is infectious, and inspires careful evaluation of the disconnect between my beliefs and the way I live.

This summer (which is, weirdly, drawing to a close) has been an interesting one, which would doubtless make more sense seen from any distance or perspective other than my own; throwing it under a microscope, or backing out by a few years on either side, I believe, would yield impressive clarity. I have been in unexpected places with unexpected people, encountering, wrestling with, and realizing unexpected thoughts and feelings. I have changed a lot-- to the extent that, when Dave talks with me from China, he says that he knows he needs to come home because he is no longer able to predict what I will think, say, or do. I am finding a truer sense of self and fulfillment in Jesus Christ and His promises. I am learning that we can claim His promises, and that God is still God whether He does OUR will or not. But in the same way that getting closer to a mirror increasingly exposes our flaws, the closer I seem to get to aligning myself with God's heart for His creation of life, the universe, and everything, the greater and wider the void I seem to feel-- the greater the feeling of lack in my knowledge of, and intimacy with, God. Nevertheless, these feelings are tempered with the peace that comes from timely application of Truth, and the realization that "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness".

I still have many questions, and things (BIG things) that I am not sure about the validity and truth of, a heart full of heavy, burning, longing desires, and years and years of indoctrination that step on the toes of my needy spirit, causing me to doubt, fear, and hold back. One fear is the fear that my soul will never be satisfied-- that my desire is too great for God to fill. Or, worse, that He is great enough, but not kind enough. These thoughts clearly need to be addressed. But, disregarding the totally pervading, ridiculous wrongness of those concerns, I wonder if and when my desires will be fulfilled. Will I ever be satisfied by God in my mortal life? Or is my imperfect, unglorified body unable to handle the awesomeness of its Creator? I know those moments when the Word of God speaks, or when His presence falls and I feel the frailty and weakness of my flesh, and yearn for a glorified body that will not break under the plea of "more, God, more....".

What will become of me?

I want to know.

What will it take for my soul to be satisfied?