Last night, I made a scene at Bible study again. Each time I've gone back in the last few months, it's been because I've felt really deep urgings in my soul to meet with God. I've gone to these Bible study gatherings in order to address that need, but become angry upon discovering that many of the participants only went to meet with each other, and do not share the urgent, agitated feeling in my soul that deems all other things worth forsaking. So this is the second major time that I've accidentally thrown the entire system to an awkward screeching halt by asking what people think the role of the Holy Spirit is in their lives, and why no one else seems to feel the way that I do.
Boy, do I feel like a jerk when this happens.
The question is honest and legitimate. I feel myself on the brink of awesome things. Joy, peace, motivation and drive....very importantly, song, as well. If God is who He says He is and if the stories and doctrines of the Bible are true, then they serve as a strong motivator and a clear purpose, and drive me to dream big dreams and feel big emotions and do big things.
The discussion yielded some good results, and my brother Matt rebuked me for belittling the ways that God is working in other people's lives. Truthfully, I hadn't thought about it, and the rebuke was fitting, and deserved. Now I am beginning to see my motivation to action and my purpose-driven-ness is a unique gifting from God that makes me a singular puzzle piece that will fit exactly into some open space in His plan. I now see that I don't need to fear or despair of God's will for me because God has hidden His will for my life deep inside me: inside my passions and delights and the things that make me animated and most real. I don't have to worry about failure because God has prepared me perfectly (and is still preparing me daily) for roles and missions and purposes that will either fit my strengths and skills and passions, or will grow and stretch them for His glory.
Sounds good to me!!
With that in mind, I decided last night and this morning that God gave me a clear indication that I need to sing somewhere--that I need to courageously embrace opportunities to use my voice. With that indication has come (and will probably continue to come) empowerment. If God is calling me to do something, then He's going to prosper me and give me success in that thing (to the degree that He has determined), and He's going to give me the skills that I need to do the job. For example, I'm not the greatest singer....I'd consider myself competent, but not "very good"...and, I guess, if God is calling me to sing somwhere, either I'm already good enough, or I have to trust that He'll make me what I need to be.
That said, it's worth remembering that some of the prophets' (Jeremiah's? I can't remember for sure) calling was to just preach and preach and preach until no one listened anymore, and no one believed. This must have been frustrating for Jeremiah (if it really was him, and not Isaiah or someone else) because he almost certainly had a desire to see people repent and believe God, but God REALLY called him to be effective for us through the Bible rather than to turn his people from their wickedness back then. I guess it's important to keep in perspective that ineffectiveness (all the "reproach" that Jeremiah got...see the verse at the end of the last post) isn't really a definitive measure of success because God is eternal.
Weird how the attributes of God color our perspectives. It'd be nice if that happened more, actually.
In other good news, God is definitely answering prayers.....it's funny that that surprises me when it happens. I mean-- it happens all the time, and God is both faithful to answer, and timely about it, but for some reason it still surprises me each time. Anyway, I prayed just once (though multiple other times since then) that He would start to break down the spiritual barriers (and other various kinds of barriers) between me and Dave, and--praise Him!-- that's started happening. We had a not-fight fight (a.k.a. a rather peevish discussion) at Curtis & Jordin's wedding reception (thaaaaaat's awful classy of us), but it ended in us praying together for each other and ourselves and us together, and that was really the beginning of this prayer being answered. Over the following days, the Spirit has given me the strength to be vulnerable and trusting, and given David the grace to be affirming and gentle as well as encouraging and delightful and equally motivated and driven. :) I like drivenness. I feel like God is being really faithful to answer our prayers as regards bonding us together and making us into a team as much as a couple. That makes me so happy I could jump up and down :)
Ok.
I'm done.
Did I make it through with no complaining? I tried!! :)
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