. . .

It's nothing grand...

2009-11-27T20:31:00.000-08:00

It's just a few thoughts.

* Jesus dealt with the broken through the extension of mercy.

* I think a moralist environment is a toxic environment for the human soul.

* Maybe misery loves company because we long to feel like we're not the most broken one. "There's redemption in confession and freedom in the light". If everyone is wrong, suddenly it seems like being wrong isn't such a bad thing.

Love is a Battlefield....or something like that.

2009-08-02T17:31:00.001-07:00

Two posts in three days.

SHOCKING.

I just heard the new Jordin Sparks song "Battlefield", which featured the lyrics:

"Why does love always feel like a battlefield? Better go and get your armor!!"

I have a feeling she's talking about romantic relationships, in which case, this is epically bad advice (putting your guard up around those you care for is a surefire way to make sure you never get the closeness you crave with them), but in the spiritual realm, how I heard it, these words rung with Truth.

I have been thinking a fair bit about warfare in the last few days.

It took me a long time to realize that I am not a refugee in a war-torn country, and I'm not just caught helplessly in the crossfire of some invisible, unseen war. Someone reminded me that, in the final battle, it is we, the saints, who will be fighting off the principalities and powers of this dark world. There is so much in this world that we just hand over to the enemy because we don't want to exert the energy to fight for it. "The thief comes only to kill and destroy", and he does it well because he is sneaky, and often convinces us to agree with him. Especially in the area of fear.

I have battled aimless, irrational fear for most of my life, and I've come to realize fairly recently that God's love for us is perfect, and "perfect loves drives out fear". This fear that I feel is not just a chemical response in my brain with which I am inevitably, and eternally, saddled-- the fear is an attack from the devil that, at best, terrifies and addles me, and, at worst, causes me to panickedly deny God's goodness or very existence. But, when the fear comes, what has changed? "Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you"?

The Holy Spirit is IN me. The terrors are outside of me, and absolutely cannot be allowed in unless I open the door and ask them to come in. And, appropriately, there is no room for the fear to come in unless I suppress the Holy Spirit, and squash it down to size to make the fear fit in. This is war, and I am a warrior. The battle is to say yes to the love, and say no to the fear.

Better go and get your armor.

Eph 6:^10"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. ¹²For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. ¹⁸And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."

Basically, I loved hearing this new Jordin Sparks song. I could, actually, skip the whole song to about ~2:30 and only listen to "Better go and get your armor!", which is exactly the encouragement I need in order to feel inspired to gird myself in truth, righteousness, faith, thorough understanding of the Gospel, faith, the full implications of my salvation, the Spirit, and the Word. And prayer, of course. Prayer seems like one of the biggest weapons that we have.

Jordin Sparks is speaking the Truth here whether she knows it or not. And why does love always feel like a battlefield? Because it IS. Loving others? Accepting God's love? These are things that Satan hates, and he is a powerful enemy, but God's love is stronger than the devil's hatred. And that's all he's got. That's all he's ever gonna get, because, at the end, we're going to ride through on horses, slice the hell out of his minions (wordplay intended), and we're gonna watch with adoration in our hearts for God as Satan is cast down into the flaming abyss forever and ever, amen. I mean, Amen!!!! Personally, I hope I get at least one good slice in on the guy, and that his final demise looks something like the end of Star Wars I, The Phantom Menace, but infinitely more awesome.

So anyway.

Basically, I want to take that chunk of the song and make it my ringtone. Either that, or "Taking Over for the Kingdom". That'd be a good choice as well, though a bit obvious, since the next line is "Put that on your ringtone!". And, if you know me....I shun the obvious.

P.s. The chorus and ending sections of "Battlefield" actually use the same chorus chords as "Our God is an Awesome God".....which I found, obviously, awesome.

Life, the Universe, and Everything

2009-07-30T16:20:00.000-07:00

Am I ever going to be satisfied?

I believe firmly in the fact that every desire we have comes from God, and exists only to be fulfilled. I also believe that sin messes everything up, including our desires. There are many things we long for (revenge and perfection are two examples) that will not be fulfilled until the end of times when God avenges the righteous, judges the wicked, and finally imposes His glory on the physical realm.

But there is one desire in me that is stronger than any other, and I don't know if or how it will ever be fulfilled. That is the desire for God. To know Him fully and thoroughly, dissolved through-and-through in His glory and goodness and holiness and faithfulness, and justice and righteousness and completeness. I want to understand it all, to know Him intimately with all His Truth and all His desires, and His reason for being, which is probably just sheer awesomeness, actually.

I find myself sliding, for better or for worse, into charismatic teachings, the likes of which I'd been trained to dismiss or awkwardly avoid during the vast majority of my childhood, including all of middle school and high school. Truth be told, I just don't know anymore. I've been through some tough times in my faith, including those when I didn't know if I wanted to believe in Jesus anymore. It was the people in my life with a huge, miraculous view of God that truly influenced me and were close to me while I wrestled with whether or not God was good or whether Jesus loved me, or whether I could trust the Holy Spirit. Obviously it is because of Jesus, and not because of these people, that I still believe, but what I mean to say is that they are radical Christ-followers, whose faith is everything to them, and whose joy, desire, and fervency is infectious, and inspires careful evaluation of the disconnect between my beliefs and the way I live.

This summer (which is, weirdly, drawing to a close) has been an interesting one, which would doubtless make more sense seen from any distance or perspective other than my own; throwing it under a microscope, or backing out by a few years on either side, I believe, would yield impressive clarity. I have been in unexpected places with unexpected people, encountering, wrestling with, and realizing unexpected thoughts and feelings. I have changed a lot-- to the extent that, when Dave talks with me from China, he says that he knows he needs to come home because he is no longer able to predict what I will think, say, or do. I am finding a truer sense of self and fulfillment in Jesus Christ and His promises. I am learning that we can claim His promises, and that God is still God whether He does OUR will or not. But in the same way that getting closer to a mirror increasingly exposes our flaws, the closer I seem to get to aligning myself with God's heart for His creation of life, the universe, and everything, the greater and wider the void I seem to feel-- the greater the feeling of lack in my knowledge of, and intimacy with, God. Nevertheless, these feelings are tempered with the peace that comes from timely application of Truth, and the realization that "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness".

I still have many questions, and things (BIG things) that I am not sure about the validity and truth of, a heart full of heavy, burning, longing desires, and years and years of indoctrination that step on the toes of my needy spirit, causing me to doubt, fear, and hold back. One fear is the fear that my soul will never be satisfied-- that my desire is too great for God to fill. Or, worse, that He is great enough, but not kind enough. These thoughts clearly need to be addressed. But, disregarding the totally pervading, ridiculous wrongness of those concerns, I wonder if and when my desires will be fulfilled. Will I ever be satisfied by God in my mortal life? Or is my imperfect, unglorified body unable to handle the awesomeness of its Creator? I know those moments when the Word of God speaks, or when His presence falls and I feel the frailty and weakness of my flesh, and yearn for a glorified body that will not break under the plea of "more, God, more....".

What will become of me?

I want to know.

What will it take for my soul to be satisfied?

Meredith Inspired Me....

2009-07-02T19:31:00.000-07:00

Between the Salvation Army and Urban Outfitters, I could probably fulfill all of my fashion desires. Well....ALMOST. I really like Banana Republic clothes too because I am a petite and they fit me really well.

Whenever I think about moving, I become suddenly possessed of the desire to throw all of my clothes into a giant heap and burn them....I begin to feel like I should wear earth tones and old leather sandals, and eat soybeans or something.....

Anyway, the short version of the story is that I'm torn between living simply and forgetting all the hassles of modern-day living, and recognizing the fact that 90% of my shopping is done at the Salvation Army

(which is a charity unto itself), and that I am not exactly the big

gest offender in terms of wasting money on frivolous things.

This summer (perhaps as a combination of these

warring emotions), I've developed a much more laid-back gamine style. I'm liking it so far because it affords me to use the same pair of

black cigarette jeans (Ann Taylor, my favorite: perfect fit! Which....by the way.... are on final clearance for a SHOCKING $9.98 this week, but are,

unfortunately, sold out everywhere within a 150 mile radius of my home) with a pretty, swaying top to dress it up, or with a simple nautical tee to dress it down. I LOVE it.

Another thing I'm suddenly obsessed

with is the idea of a little jumper or sleep set to wear around the house (the one pictured is from Urban Outfitters). I think I just got so excited about the robin's egg blue babydoll tank and bloomers that Anna made for the Harper's Bazaar Mini Challenge on this week's episode of "The Fashion Show"

on Bravo.

Seriously. Suddenly, I'm obsessed, but I can't find a version of it anywhere! I guess I will have to wait (and save up!) until a version is available for purchase at Saks. Anyway, these are my main fashion obsessions lately. I've been finding that all of my great fashion ideas (black with navy, short hair for girls, arm warmers and the return of the leg warmer...) are becoming absorbed by the market and are no longer unique ways of expressing myself. This has made shopping rather dull, and I've had to expand "my style" to continue to avoid the mainstream, if ever I can help it. It's a trick to be off-the-beaten-path, but still look stylish instead of looking like a crazy person. I'll admit, sometimes I don't mediate those two perspectives very well!

Alas, but there will always be vintage.

No matter how old, some things will just always be classics, and will always look gorgeous no

matter what. Take for example this yellow, ruffled-front vintage dress I found on ebay. I love yellow.

Anyway, enough jabbering on about fashion. This whole blog has been utterly pointless....but fun....

Faith to Fail

2009-06-18T09:24:00.000-07:00

I read Hebrews yesterday, slowly, to understand.

I told Dave, "It was nice. To the extent that being slapped in the face is nice..."

Hebrews is serious business.

I was considering writing about my findings in chapter 11, but wasn't finally compelled to do so until I flicked on the TV and the moral of Joan of Arcadia was identical to the moral of the proposed post. So now I'm writing.

Hebrews 11 is sometimes called the "Hall of Fame of Faith". It's all these stories about people doing awesome things by faith. Things like Joshua and the Battle of Jericho. Things like Noah building an ark. Like Abraham up-and-leaving his home to become the father of the nation of Israel. Like Rahab the prostitute hiding Israeli spies in her house. Like Moses parting the Red Sea. Like Enoch being sucked up into Heaven by God Himself without ever dying.

Things that have equal potential to inspire zeal or indignance.

It's kind of a long, sprawling chapter that makes the reader think, "yeah, yeah....I've got the idea...move along already..." until about the 35th verse of the carrying-on, which goes like this:

"Others were tortured and refused to be released, so that they might gain a better resurrection. Some faced jeers and flogging, while still others were chained and put in prison. They were stoned; they were sawed in two; they were put to death by the sword. They went about in sheepskins and goatskins, destitute, persecuted and mistreated— the world was not worthy of them. They wandered in deserts and mountains, and in caves and holes in the ground.

These were all commended for their faith, yet none of them received what had been promised."

WHAT?!

Basically, I'm to understand a secondary dimension of faith.

There are all the stories of cool people making cool decisions and God comes through in a cool way, and even that's a stretch for us in our cooly modern world. Those situations are our faith-builders: when we go to the trouble of praying about something, or (heaven help us!) make a sacrifice for God, and we see Him come through for us, it assures us that our inner struggle was all worth something, and that God is real after all and we ought to carry on translating inner strife to such noble and glorifying decisions.

We come to understand growing in faith as that relieved, vaguely comatose feeling of satisfaction we get when we pray desperately for House M.D. to be showing somewhere on the TV, and, discover, to our delight that it's showing on both FOX and USA.

Hebrews 11 (at least the part that most focus on) is in the form of "_____ had faith about ____, so God came through for them in _________ way."

The second half of Hebrews 11 isn't like that.

I mean, scroll up and look for yourself.

That guy was publicly abused.

That guy was flogged.

That guy was put in prison.

Somebody else was beaten half to death by rocks.

Another guy got sawed in half.

Yet another "hero of the faith" was penniless and lived in a hole in the ground.

THE END.

Hebrews admits that all these people were striving after God and seeking the culmination of His will and plan for their lives. But they never saw it. It didn't happen. They died in horrific, awful ways, their faith in God's salvation seemingly irrelevant and fruitless.

Now, to everyon's credit, Hebrews 11 DOES finish by saying "God had planned something better for us so that only together with us would they be made perfect". These people were seeking after Christ's return, at which time He will sweep us away and our salvation will be made chronologically complete. They and we are in a similar time. We are waiting for the full number of the Gentiles to come into the family so that Christ can return and have His final judgment on evil and welcome the penitent, in person, into His eternal family. We, like them, are guaranteed little more than Jesus's eventual return, and we may find times in our lives when our acts and additudes of faith translate more like exercises in futility and failure.

These people, however, are listed for their faith DESPITE the appearance of complete and utter failure. They had the faith to see God and His promises clearly through what looks like failure (seriously-- being sawed in half), and remain unshaken. This kind of faith, frankly, puts me to shame. I don't have it.

I've been growing in faith this summer. But I've experienced a lot of perceived failure, and, every single time, it shakes me to the core, like I'm metaphorically sticking my neck out only to find a giant axe being swung at it. But I'm leading a Bible study group on Acts and reading about some epically awesome things that God does for His people, but also about some epically nasty things that God's people have gone through. I want to grow into a faith like theirs. Not just the faith that raises the dead, heals diseases, and speaks words of knowledge and prophesy through the power of Jesus' name, but the faith that gets knocked flat on its face and stands back up with a smile on its face to meet the next blow without ever shifting its focus from eternal things.

I don't know. It's kind of shocking.

Dave is in an airplane on his way into Shanghai today. I have been feeling very nervous and worried for him and for us, and how our relationship and lives will be for the next two months. It's a challenge to grow again in my faith and come to God open-handedly, saying that it's okay if everything I hold dear is taken away from me and I get sawed in half.....because I have hope for eternal things and I am only a small part of God's redemptive scheme for this temporal existence.

I'm not going to pretend it's easy, though.

A Few Cunning Metaphors

2009-06-01T19:28:00.000-07:00

In 3 months, I'll be moving into my first apartment with 2 (eventually 3) wonderful girls. I've been busying myself with worry about rent and transportation and the ins-and-outs of daily life....but most of all, I've been concerned about STUFF.

I talked with my mom about it an explained how I often just feel like a gerbil: they live their whole lives in a cage. They dig through their sawdust to get to the bottom of things. They get there, turn around, and realize that all their digging has created a big, unmanageable pile behind them. That's my life. I live in a cage full of useless, meaningless stuff, and I spend all my time just managing my possessions. I never get to the bottom of things without creating more problems for myself.

In any case, I have to deal with a great deal of "stuff" as I anticipate this apartment move. On the one hand, there is so much that I feel I need. On the other hand, I wonder if I'll have room to store it all. My daily life is a constant oscillation between these two concerns, so it's interesting to realize the parallels between this issue, and the things going on in my spiritual as of late.

My heart is like a house. My schoolwork is one room, my career ambitions are a room, then there's my family, my attitudes, my entertainment, sexuality, friends, hobbies......but between so many of those rooms, the doors are closed.

There is so much of God that I long to understand. I want to keep packing in the facts and the knowledge and the experiences, but my tiny room that I've given over to God is already full of facts, but those facts have no meaning because they are not where they belong. They're just packed in from floor to cieling. Just like a blender has no meaning if it's not on the kitchen counter, or like a TV remote divorced from the TV set is a useless piece of plastic and wires, all the spiritual knowledge and memory verses and junk have no real meaning to me because I've kept them shut up in a dark, tiny room instead of opening the doors and letting God have the ENTIRE house. Only when I allow God to move the blender into the kitchen and the TV remote into the living room of my heart can those spiritual facts and knowledge truly gain meaning.

I see now that the "more" I've been begging God for isn't something I can have right now. There's just not room. First, I need to open up the doors and let God into my schoolwork, let God into my career, into my family, into my attitudes, entertainment, sexuality, friends, hobbies....I need to start working with Him to open doors and have experiences that will begin to put the meaningless bits of spiritual knowledge into their proper and meaningful places in the home of my heart. When things start getting put in their proper places, maybe I'll start to have room for some of the "more" that I've been asking for. I've been longing for a life where the sun shines through the windows, and there's a warm breeze you can feel everywhere-- a heart house where I don't feel addled, and I'm safe no matter how vulnerable. I need to open up, and build a foundation of genuine belief rather than just a tiny room crammed with Bible verses and "right answers" that mean nothing to me.

It's a hard realization to come to, partly because I have been so excited about the "more" that God has to offer, and so disappointed to hear God say no when I ask for it. It's been hard to trust that He really wants the best for me. But this is a good thing. And if this is what God is leading me towards, then it's the best thing.

Exclusively good things

2009-05-19T07:13:00.001-07:00

No complaining in today's post. Period. It's been pointed out to me SEVERAL times that I'm a big complainer. I always thought of myself as pensive and contemplative...DEFINITELY a worry-wart, but not a complainer.....but if people say so, then it must be coming from somewhere :)

Last night, I made a scene at Bible study again. Each time I've gone back in the last few months, it's been because I've felt really deep urgings in my soul to meet with God. I've gone to these Bible study gatherings in order to address that need, but become angry upon discovering that many of the participants only went to meet with each other, and do not share the urgent, agitated feeling in my soul that deems all other things worth forsaking. So this is the second major time that I've accidentally thrown the entire system to an awkward screeching halt by asking what people think the role of the Holy Spirit is in their lives, and why no one else seems to feel the way that I do.

Boy, do I feel like a jerk when this happens.

The question is honest and legitimate. I feel myself on the brink of awesome things. Joy, peace, motivation and drive....very importantly, song, as well. If God is who He says He is and if the stories and doctrines of the Bible are true, then they serve as a strong motivator and a clear purpose, and drive me to dream big dreams and feel big emotions and do big things.

The discussion yielded some good results, and my brother Matt rebuked me for belittling the ways that God is working in other people's lives. Truthfully, I hadn't thought about it, and the rebuke was fitting, and deserved. Now I am beginning to see my motivation to action and my purpose-driven-ness is a unique gifting from God that makes me a singular puzzle piece that will fit exactly into some open space in His plan. I now see that I don't need to fear or despair of God's will for me because God has hidden His will for my life deep inside me: inside my passions and delights and the things that make me animated and most real. I don't have to worry about failure because God has prepared me perfectly (and is still preparing me daily) for roles and missions and purposes that will either fit my strengths and skills and passions, or will grow and stretch them for His glory.

Sounds good to me!!

With that in mind, I decided last night and this morning that God gave me a clear indication that I need to sing somewhere--that I need to courageously embrace opportunities to use my voice. With that indication has come (and will probably continue to come) empowerment. If God is calling me to do something, then He's going to prosper me and give me success in that thing (to the degree that He has determined), and He's going to give me the skills that I need to do the job. For example, I'm not the greatest singer....I'd consider myself competent, but not "very good"...and, I guess, if God is calling me to sing somwhere, either I'm already good enough, or I have to trust that He'll make me what I need to be.

That said, it's worth remembering that some of the prophets' (Jeremiah's? I can't remember for sure) calling was to just preach and preach and preach until no one listened anymore, and no one believed. This must have been frustrating for Jeremiah (if it really was him, and not Isaiah or someone else) because he almost certainly had a desire to see people repent and believe God, but God REALLY called him to be effective for us through the Bible rather than to turn his people from their wickedness back then. I guess it's important to keep in perspective that ineffectiveness (all the "reproach" that Jeremiah got...see the verse at the end of the last post) isn't really a definitive measure of success because God is eternal.

Weird how the attributes of God color our perspectives. It'd be nice if that happened more, actually.

In other good news, God is definitely answering prayers.....it's funny that that surprises me when it happens. I mean-- it happens all the time, and God is both faithful to answer, and timely about it, but for some reason it still surprises me each time. Anyway, I prayed just once (though multiple other times since then) that He would start to break down the spiritual barriers (and other various kinds of barriers) between me and Dave, and--praise Him!-- that's started happening. We had a not-fight fight (a.k.a. a rather peevish discussion) at Curtis & Jordin's wedding reception (thaaaaaat's awful classy of us), but it ended in us praying together for each other and ourselves and us together, and that was really the beginning of this prayer being answered. Over the following days, the Spirit has given me the strength to be vulnerable and trusting, and given David the grace to be affirming and gentle as well as encouraging and delightful and equally motivated and driven. :) I like drivenness. I feel like God is being really faithful to answer our prayers as regards bonding us together and making us into a team as much as a couple. That makes me so happy I could jump up and down :)

Ok.

I'm done.

Did I make it through with no complaining? I tried!! :)

Jeremiah 20:9 vs.Mark 10:45

2009-05-13T13:42:00.001-07:00

....It's a joke pretending I could be focused enough to write while listening to Kelly Clarkson.....

Anyway. Wow. Focus time.

Finding Meredith's blog this morning reminded me that it's probably about time for me to give a little updater.

I've been really peevish since I've gotten home because I've been feeling God's call on my heart, but, like many of God's urgings, it's a little clouded yet...a little vague. One thing God has made clear: I'll be singing in the Kingdom. That's how I praise, and when all things are fulfilled and made right in heaven, I'm gonna be singing with my whole life, not just with my dead-weight body. I've been searching for a time and a place and a way that I can praise God outright, as my occupation. Basically, you could say that I'm agitatedly searching for heaven on earth, rather than any specific, individual place. Jobs where I get to sing to Jesus all day are hard to find, so I'm daily becoming less picky in my job search.

How should I approach this Kingdom dream?

The vision of God's reign makes me incredibly unhappy/dissatisfied/cranky with the current world....and I think that's okay. What's NOT okay is the pride, I'm thinking.

Wow -- actually, it's just like that verse that I used two posts ago.... II Cor 7: 9b-11

"For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way[...]. ¹⁰Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. ¹¹See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter."

I find this verse to be interesting because, if I could write a really good list of what I've been feeling lately,

it would look like this:

1. Earnestness

2. Eagerness to clear myself (unfortunately, this comes out as pride in me.)

3. Indignation

4. Alarm! (PANIC! THE WORLD IS GOING TO HELL!! WHAT?!?!)

5. Longing (for something...EVERYTHING...more....)

6. Concern

7. READINESS TO SEE JUSTICE DONE. Come, Lord Jesus.

And then there's the problem of pride. I've been so full of the above-listed feelings that I find myself wanting to lash out at the apathetic Christians in my life, when, really, Jesus had two teachings. First, there's the one that rings in my head, "Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand,", and then the second (harder) one (for me), "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself". I need to fulfill this radical, screaming need to serve God by serving these apathetic Christians around me. I need to BE the change that I would rather slap out of them. Instead of upbraiding them, I need to shut my mouth, and wash their feet.

Huh. Stay tuned for updates on whether or not this actually happens.

---------------------------------

Whenever I speak, I cry out
       proclaiming violence and destruction.
       So the word of the LORD has brought me
       insult and reproach all day long.

⁹ But if I say, "I will not mention him
       or speak any more in his name,"
       his word is in my heart like a fire,
       a fire shut up in my bones.
       I am weary of holding it in;
       indeed, I cannot.

Synopsis of Time Wasted

2009-04-29T20:07:00.000-07:00

Here we are.

I’m sitting in my dorm room alone, and even though it’s home, glancing around I find myself somewhere unexpected. Despite my arrival at the brink of departure, I can’t shake the feeling (among other unnerving feelings) that I never truly arrived. A transition in the definition of “home” lends itself to some degree of disconnect, but that’s an old battle, and an antiquated struggle. What happened this year? Where was the good? And where was I in it all? Truthfully, I was probably in the PAT lab at the time.

First semester was so hard. I worked ambitiously and constantly. I took Spanish 232, PAT 201, Physics 288, Theory 137, and Arts Chorale, and learned to sleep in the Beanster’s chair in the League. I faced the opening weeks of the year in much of the same way that I face revolving doors at malls and hotels. I stood there, with head tilted quizzically to the side, watching opening after opening come and go, and wondering if any of what was inside was worth sticking my neck out. For lack of initiative, I found myself temporarily (and amicably) excommunicated from the church I loved, and standing in front of new “friends’” closed doors, too afraid to knock. My social base has been zilch; I’ve let a lot of good relationships suffer. I’ve fed some unhealthy relationships too. Yeah – that was a high point.

In terms of personal lessons learned, the first semester taught me (check that—the Holy Spirit taught me) to look for my personal worth outside of academia, my ability to perform in classes, or whether or not I secure a top internship, or any kind of occupation at all. Nevertheless, this year, I’ve treated my life like it’s a starring role in a major musical production, and I’m just the girl with the glasses who gets double-tall-skinny-soy-lattes-no-room-hold-the-whip for the understudy’s understudy. I’ve told myself that my life, and this part, are so amazing and destined to be something greater, but that my performance will never set me apart from the thousands of others vying for the job. It’s only in these last weeks (though I had inklings throughout) that I’ve even begun to see that God’s future for me is something for which I ALONE am perfectly, and completely equipped.

Second semester found me back at Huron Hills (finally.), and this time with David, looking to grow spiritually as a couple rather than alone. We set out to become involved with ministry, and prayed and prayed and prayed about it, and no inclinations presented themselves. January marked a huge change in our relationship, and one of the biggest personal breakthroughs I’ve ever had in my life. How I wish I could explain it! It’s like that old RSJ song from the nineties: It’s God. Truly God. I can’t explain any other way. It’s a good song; look it up. Anyway, God just opened up my eyes to the true nature of my relationship with Dave, which made all the difference in the world. We’d been together for over a year, but it was January that I truly fell in love with him and became fully and completely committed to marrying him. It was a good time, obviously. That was the beginning of a really serious bout of spiritual wrestling (much of which is represented in older posts) that may or may not be fully resolved. I still don’t love or trust God the way I should. But there’s been growth there, and I’ve spent as long as I ever want to shouting at God and telling Him I don’t want Him in my life.

Then there are the last few weeks. Classes were winding down and everyone’s guard was going down, and then Dave got sick. We thought it was just bad food, but after he was bedridden for a few days, we began to think otherwise. Turns out it was appendicitis, and it required emergency surgery. We’re talking 2 days of being bedridden, more than 24 hours in the hospital (almost all of which I was awake)….very little sleep, very little food. I was sleep deprived and fasting and so tired and emotionally toasted that sitting down for more than 30 seconds meant bursting into tears. It was during the walk back to the hospital after a 15 minute pit stop at home to put on PJs and pick up a pillow to sleep in the hospital chair that I had such clarity of the soul. Just like the prophets of old who fasted and prayed and found revelation from God, my desires in that moment clarified in an instant. I hadn’t slept in 24 hours. I’d hardly eaten. I had enough tears stored up behind my eyes that I thought my head might explode, but I didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to sleep. I didn’t want to cry. I wanted to SING. I wanted to be wrapped up in music and darkness and colored lights and fog machines and screaming crowds and WORSHIP. When I had no energy, no distractions, no plans other than just BEING in the hospital chair for the next many hours, all my soul wanted was to weary itself with singing. So that’s what I’m going to do. I don’t know what it’s going to take or how to get there, but I’m going to sing. It’s one of the deepest desires I’ve ever felt. This Sunday at church, I sat in the pew and cried my way through the pain of waiting my turn. This is just something I NEED to do, and I’m frustrated and perplexed that these desires are coming NOW, literally days before I skip town for 4 months.

This ENTIRE year, I did NO ministry. I barely engaged in any worship. I read my Bible and prayed sparingly, at best. I withdrew from social life. I beat my head against the wall, burrowed myself into holes, and encountered little-to-no satisfaction. I wasted every minute.

So here we are.

Sadness.

2009-04-08T21:18:00.000-07:00

I think something is happening in my heart.

I think that God, in His silence, is teaching me to recognize His voice. Lately I have felt a great sadness, and I find myself wondering if the Holy Spirit is speaking through this.

II Corinthians 7 has this to say of sorrow: "I am happy, not because you were made sorry, but because your sorrow led you to repentance. For you became sorrowful as God intended and so were not harmed in any way by us. Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. See what this godly sorrow has produced in you: what earnestness, what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what alarm, what longing, what concern, what readiness to see justice done. At every point you have proved yourselves to be innocent in this matter."

This verse seems to describe me perfectly. In the still moments when I am alone, in comes the sorrow, and with it alarm, deepest longings, heavy concerns, utmost earnestness.

I have the smallest of visions -- things like, "Set an example for the believers in speech[...]", and a great eagerness to see it done. All this, though, is tempered with selfishness, lack of desire to experience change, and overwhelming feelings of worthlessness in the face of the troubles that beset the world.

As I sat in Tyler's room reading "The aWAKE Project: Uniting Against the African AIDS Crisis", and Bridgit lay with her head in my lap, I noticed her WWJD bracelet, and got to wondering. How much time does Jesus spend crying? There are more than 13 million AIDS orphans in Africa, and Jesus loves each of them as much as I've come to believe He loves me. How can He ever do anything but cry over the sinful, sorry state of the world He created to be loved? And how can I, as His child and servant and missionary face so great an evil without my mortal heart just crumbling to pieces? I feel worthless and useless, and simultaneously appalled at my lack of willingness to sacrifice the daily ins and outs of my life to make a difference for people who, for all intents and purposes, died the moment they contracted AIDS, and daily live a hopeless existence wondering whether to try to survive (for what?), or to just lay down and die.

And so here I am. I'm tangled in the midst of this great sorrow, struggling with the Holy Spirit. I feel His sorrow upon me, but I have not yet sensed His direction or His guidance. I'm bothered, and I'm sad.

Come, Lord Jesus.

New post while I have time.

2009-03-02T15:34:00.000-08:00

Whoohoo! It's no longer February!
Spring break was a nice time to be home. The week of relaxing and working went smoothly. I detected two major themes over break. The first one is a little ambiguous to me in terms of how it should affect me, but the theme itself was exceedingly obvious --> I am SO MUCH like my dad!! For better or for worse, our temperaments and impulses are nearly identitcal. I got a bad haircut, and now even our heads looks similar.
The second theme was how incredibly ugly I am on the inside. It started with Friday, when I was so angry at a friend that I couldn't even be in the same room as her, and then I was really unkind to David as well, and subsequently got grouchier and grouchier. I don't even know why.
He pointed out to me that, before I snapped at him, he had been on his highest spiritual high in years, and he was about to burst with excitement to tell me about it, and then I deflated him with my stabbing remarks. What hurt most was knowing that our opportunity to bond over that was lost when our fellowship was broken. that made me SO SO sad. I almost cried. I have been thinking for a while now just how far I am from the type of woman that I feel is David's "match". I was reminded again when I was talking with Megan about her trip out to Bethel, and she mentioned that the women she was staying with were so Spirit-filled. I realized how much I miss that, and how I'm not even sure I know what the Spirit-filled life looks like anymore. Now, if David had met me senior year in high school.....

Well....we'd've (ha...new contraction) had a lot to work out, but from the spiritual side, I was DOING things, and praying and I felt like I knew God well, and we liked each other. I was waist-deep in it, and wading out ever-further. These days, I've gone back to the basics -- testing the water with the soles of my feet and deciding if I am in it enough to go up to my ankles. But God has answered my prayers and I WANT more. How much can I have? How fast? I don't want or need to grow superficially. I have become frustrated by this lately.
On Saturday when Dave came, I think a small breakthrough occurred in my heart. We drove Andy to church for his praise band practice, and explored the new wing of the building. There were some fun murals for the children that we had fun looking at until we got to a mural of Jesus, laughing heartily on a yellow backdrop, with 6 or 8 squirming kids crawling all over him. I kinda made a face staring at it, then looked at David and said, "Is that REALLY Jesus?"
He knew what I meant, and responded, "TOTALLY. That's DEFINITELY Him. All the Guy ever did was love!!"
I've been praying that that image of Jesus -- delighted and laughing -- would be the first image to come to my mind of Jesus from now on. I want to believe that He loves to laugh, and cherishes the simplicity of children. So often I consider him as grave and impatient with my immaturity, as through He'd love me truly if I understood it all and could sit down over coffee or tea and have an intelligent conversation with Him.

But no -- I love this Jesus. I hope He's real.

Today, David was like, "You frustrate me. Why can't you believe that God wants to be personal with you?!" He went on to explain that, in my faith, I am at the maturity level of one of those squirmy little kids in the Jesus picture. But THAT Jesus wouldn't begrudge those kids anything their hearts desire, clearly. He delights in them and cherishes their laughter. He is lighthearted and gentle. Maybe it's not too far-fetched to think that Jesus delights in me too, and might do things just to make me smile....hmmm....

More to follow.

mm

2009-02-09T14:53:00.000-08:00

Mmmm...yesterday the weather was SO NICE. David and I took a walk downtown and visited several fun places. It was just enjoyable to be outside again, and to not feel like students. We went to a home + garden store, and I got really nostalgic about when I was a kid and we used to grow vegetables in our garden. I want to do that again so badly; I just didn't realize until I was at the store. I like living in a city where there is always something interesting to do. But, at the same time, I hate having to scout around for a patch of grass to sit in, or a ray of sunshine you can have to yourself. I worry about my kids growing up too fast, but, on the other hand, I want my kids to have all the opportunities they could ever need.

Why am I talking about this? This is how I get myself into panic attacks....worrying about stupid things in the unforeseeable future......ok.

I actually wanted to write again about spiritual things. I don't know how good it really is to seek God as a measure of desperation, but, if that's what it takes, then whatever. Something has been happening in my heart this weekend, and I've been fighting against it tooth and nail. On Friday night, we went to Abby's and talked about some Bethel stuff. (It ALWAYS comes down to Bethel stuff, it seems). Anyway, Abby read a passage from Beni Johnson's "The Happy Intercessor" in which a man who she called a Holy Spirit conduit laid hands on her, and she fell to the ground shaking uncontrollably for a long, long time. Later, a woman came up and asked her if she was in good health. She answered yes, and the woman said, "then more, Lord", and the shaking recommenced with renewed violence. When it all had subsided and she asked God what all that had been about, He answered, "I was shaking out of you the strongholds of your life", and she went on to explain how this encounter with God changed her life and made over her personality from shy to an empowered woman of God.

This story frightened and upset me. I have know for some weeks now that I want to be "born again". Not because I haven't made peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access, by faith, into this grace in which we now stand, but because I feel like I've never had that heart-makeover of truly LOVING God. OR maybe I have, but at least that's what I ache for now.

Despite this, I've been so resistant. A large part of me unswervingly believes that the whole of Christianity is a bunch of hokum, and the idea of laying myself on the line for the supposed ability to be "closer" to God or to know and do the Divine will seems laughable, at best.

But David and I talked at length about this. (I hate how things he says don't sink in until I hear it from another source....I guess I'm just THAT headstrong, but I hate it...) Anyway, he told me that God loves me, and made me exactly how I am, complete with talents, interests, proclivities, and idiosyncratic behaviors. The idea that God would have me throw all that out the window is absurd, if not, in itself, some kind of heresy. I need to stop running away from the one thing that I know will fulfill me, which means a willingness to be vulnerable, and accept change. Uuugh that makes me uncomfortable.

Anyway, last night I found myself praying. For David, mostly. I found it hard NOT to at least try to pray after the touching prayer David offered for me on Friday night. I was rendered so speechless by it; it seemed my only option was to speak with my heart to the only One who can hear it since nothing came out of my mouth. I told Him that I didn't want to change, and didn't want to surrender myself to Him and His purposes. But I want to want to. I want Him to change my heart so that I can have the strength to be vulnerable, or to embrace change. I said, "I'm begging you. Make me want to.", and today it was easier to pray.

I stumbled across an article today in a British online fashion magazine. It was about (at first glance) praying for God to give you great style. I laughed at this a little, but it ultimately came down to an article on prayer -- how prayer is less about asking God for things and more about letting Him in to the day-to-day of your life, even if it's, "God, I really need to find the right dress for this event, and I'm running out of time....."

The author joked, "Jesus is my stylist", and went on to discuss God's sense of humor and enjoyment of us -- how giving your life to God is not necessarily about upheaving life change or becoming a nun or a missionary. She said that being a Christian is less about what you do with your life and more about how you do it, which reminded me of something Pastor Ken said on Sunday -- that living the Christian life is not about trying to live CHRIST'S life, but about living OUR life Christ's way, and in His strength.

Hm.

Thought-provoking.

For the entire article: click here.

Update

2009-02-03T07:09:00.000-08:00

Ok. Here's where I've been stuck lately. Faith. What is faith? Answer me that without saying, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" because that's JUST the type of cryptic, unhelpful answer that I'm incredibly tired of hearing. A particular item of discussion is the verse, "faith comes from hearing the message". This is probably in reference to "How can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard?. The Message translates it, "Before you trust, you have to listen".
Here's what I want to know. I have TINY faith. Maybe it's mustard-seed-esque. I don't know. I have an inset, almost (possibly??) predetermined disposition that prohibits me from deciding or believing that God does not exist, or whatever else. I have long found myself in the position that the psalmist writes of, saying, "Whom have I in heaven but You? And the earth has nothing that I desire besides You". I think Peter says something similar: "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. 69We believe and know that you are the Holy One of God"
So I have some belief. A gift of saving faith. but....what if it stops there?
It seems that, in the clutch, I trust God, but only with the desperation that a person falling throws his arms out in front of him, certain they'll catch on something. It's my instinct to pray out of panic, but not out of delight or even interest or trust. Truthfully, my suspicion of God runs so deep that I sometimes wonder why I pray at all if I don't believe that God will help me, and if I don't believe He loves me.
I have heard before that this is a version of pride -- believing that you are too small for God's radar or too broken for His healing, or too lost for His love, that your own ability to be pathetic is greater than God's ability to love you. Maybe it is....but I'm not sure I even feel that way. I don't feel lowly or evil or damaged. I feel like I might as well not even exist; that I am just a part of "the world" and God thought it would be a shame to let a whole species go down the celestial drain. "God so loved the world," but not ME. I'm a tiny who down in Whoville, and I pray to a God who is real, but everything I Know is just a tiny fraction of a little world that's just barely a speck on a tiny clover that's just like every other clover in the giant cosmic jungle of Nool...and now I'm ridiculous for making that analogy. I feel squared-away with God, but like He could never take notice. It's like when David was talking to me and saying that God loves everyone equally, but not everyone has His favor. To be loved that way isn't what I'm longing for, and I don't feel I could ever become important enough to earn His favor. After all, we do EARN His favor, don't we? And yet I remember those priceless little notes, "you are worth more than many sparrows," "even the hairs of your head are numbered," "If you, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in Heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave him up as an offering for us, will He not also, along with Him, graciously give us all things?"
I want to be the most important person in His world. Is this that pride coming up? Do I need to just get over the fact that I'm NOT more important than anyone else, and that God is never going to have a special love for me? Or does He? I've heard that He does. That I only exist because He wants me to, specifically. Only because He desires to be in my presence, delights in my beauty, laughs at my jokes, appreciates my personality and point of view. I've heard that God himself is not incomplete, but that my love is individual, and can only come from ME, and brings Him specific delight and enjoyment. Is this true?
Maybe God loves me (Isaiah, Hosea, etc...), but why is JESUS so stern? So cryptic? Why don't His words make sense, and why doesn't He ever seem to laugh or tell jokes? I need to feel His approval.

Or do I need to trust it without feeling it? Is that faith?
Did I just answer my own question?

God said/I said

2009-01-24T11:24:00.000-08:00

I said, “I just don’t feel diligent right now. I feel like everything Jesus said just bounces off of me and doesn’t make any sense. I hear the Sunday-school answers and interpretations and can’t see His heart. I don’t know who He is.

Good said, “God is love.”

I wondered if I made that up. I hate when the answers that I know come in and usurp the voice I want to hear.

I said, “God, I want to hear your voice. Sometimes I feel like everything I know about you is all made up and is just living inside my head. “
God said nothing. At least nothing I could hear. I kept waiting.
I thought again of my stomach, and I could feel it gurgling. I remember writing about it for a blog post; about how I don’t understand it, but I trust it when I hear it’s promptings deep inside of me, I know what to do to have life. I feel a need to be fed. I wonder about my expectations of God. I feel like Jesus has to be greater than my stomach. He has to be more than a primal force, even if He is relevant for survival.
I said, “God, would you please talk to me?”
Somebody said – Isaiah said _-- “But God does speak, one way, then another, even though we don’t always perceive it.”
I said, “I want to perceive. I am sick of hearing Satan’s voice so clearly like a whisper in my ear and trying to hear Jesus but all I can do is watch His lips move and hear nothing meaningful….and I can’t tell if He’s angry or if He loves me, or if he feels anything at all. I can’t tell if He’s human or divine or if He’s god the Father or if He’s someone else, or if I’ve ever even met Him before. Jesus, who the heck are you?”

Jesus answered, “I and the Father are One.”
I answered, “but what does that mean?”
Jesus answered, “if you know God, you know me.”
I asked, “are you different people? How’s your personality? Why are you so grave? Did you ever have any fun? Do you love me? Why or why not?”
Jesus answered, “For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.”
I answered, “But you?”
Jesus said, “I prayed for You. Read it. Hear what I said about you.’
I said, “Alright.”, and I secretly hoped it would change my mind.
I read it, and chewed a little. “Okay, so you’re One. You want believers to be one with each other the way that you and the Father are connected. And what is that? Separate people, separate personalities, same values?” Jesus, is that true? Why are you so hard to understand?
Jesus didn’t say anything, but reminded me that a lot of people have trouble understanding. Paul said that the mystery of godliness is great. He even said that “this is a profound mystery, but I am talking about Christ and the church”. Jesus is called a stone that causes men to stumble. That sounds about right. I’m stumbling over Jesus big time.
I asked God, “God, please banish other spirits from this room and from my mind and body and from in and around my heart. I don’t need any other voices right now, and if I’m going to be following my imagination and listening in prayer, I really need your help. Please kick out everyone else, and I’ll believe that the thoughts that I have and the words that I find are really yours and that you care enough to talk with me right now. It’s hard. I’ll try.”

I keep hearing that song in my head over and over: “Without faith it is impossible to please Him (without faith, without faith) He who comes to Him must believe He exists; He’s the rewarder of those who diligently seek Him.”

So I’m supposed to please God by believing that He exists first off, and then believing that, if I keep seeking Him, something WILL come out of it. I’ll be rewarded.

The good news is that that actually addresses a lot of what’s going on in my mind/heart etc. How do I please God? What kind of faith is good faith? What do I have to believe about God? What if I only believe that He exists? Why keep seeking Him? I just need to believe that I’ll find Him if I keep searching diligently. Ok. I can give that a try. ::sigh::

Another God said/I said.

...

2009-01-19T10:06:00.000-08:00

Recently, I’ve become convinced that I need to start my life over. I was reading the story in John about Nicodemus this morning, and, I’ve got to say, its themes were familiar to me.

Nicodemus is a religious guy. He’s a member of the Jewish ruling council – a Pharisee. Like me, he does religion by day, and approaches Jesus by night, offering a cognitive realization of who He is, but with a marked lack of understanding. He says, “Rabbi, we know you are a teacher who has come from God. For no one could perform the miraculous signs you are doing if God were not with him.” It’s a basic admission—empiricism that wants to be faith.

I don’t understand Jesus’s reply. I puzzle over it, wondering if He is somehow changing the subject, and, if he is, if it’s rude, or if he’s just answering Nicodemus’s real question—the one he didn’t ask. If this were Jeopardy, and the answer were Jesus’s response, “I tell you the Truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again”, maybe the question Nicodemus is dying to know is, “Who is Jesus?”

Maybe it’s the enigma of Jesus that I find most off-putting. I can’t tell what He’s doing. Is he reassuring Nicodemus in his deepest questionings? Or is His agenda something else entirely – to preach repentance, for the Kingdom of Heaven is near? Who is Jesus?

Nicodemus and I are carnal comrades, imprisoned by our pragmatism, and caught in the confines of the clearly observable. How can a man be born when he is old? What are you talking about, Jesus? You’re talking nonsense, and it makes me uncomfortable, frankly.

“Jesus answered, ‘I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. You should not be surprised at my saying, “You must be born again.” The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit’.”

I don’t want to go all Pentecostal, and I don’t know what Nicodemus’s reaction was (actually, I do….he said, “How can this be?”), but that I am as tempted as he to be dumbfounded and confused. The only interpretation that makes sense in my mind is that Jesus is telling me something I already know—exposing the flaw in that way only He can. Maybe the first thing I should note is that, in this way, Jesus is demonstrating that His personality is consistent with God’s. By causing me to confess that which I already know to be a problem, He reminds me of the very first conviction in the Garden of Eden, when God asks the searingly evaluative question, “Where are you?” (Gen. 3:9). Jesus mimicks this technique in my heart even now. “No one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit”. Which of these have I?

“Water,” I answer. “…maybe just the water.”

Flesh gives birth to flesh. Jesus begins the deconstructive process on Nicodemus’ heart, and mine as well. Keep “doing religion”. Keep living like a body. These are things of the flesh, and they will give birth to flesh, and nothing more. Our need—Nicodemus’s and mine—is beyond the flesh. The Spirit gives birth to spirit. You must be born again.

Here is the nagging and troublesome question: “How can this be?”. It rings in my head, shifting like a spectre through every solid, stayed thing, sticking to nothing and sounding more unanswerable with every echo. How can this become true of me? How can I be born of the Spirit?

I believe that I’ve been God’s adopted child for many years now, but don’t know that I’ve ever had a life-changing rebirth, ever been imbibed with the profundity of Truth, or done more with my worldview than cautiously evaluated it from a distance.

Jesus’s first rhetorical question is, “Ok, so, who are you?”. “You are Israel’s teacher, and do you not understand these things?”.

“I tell you the truth, we speak of what we know, and we testify to what we have seen, but still you people do not accept our testimony. I have spoken to you of earthly things and you do not believe; how then will you believe if I speak of heavenly things? No one has ever gone into heaven except the one who came from heaven – the Son of Man. Just as Moses lifted up the snake in the desert, so the Son of Man must be lifted up that everyone who believes in him may have eternal life.”

We speak of what we know. Jesus acknowledges Nicodemus’ empiricism and inability to understand while pointing out to me that there is much of the physical world that I do not understand, and, yet, trust implicitly. I don’t understand my metabolism, but I feel its promptings deep inside me, telling me in our shared secret language when I need to eat, and how to preserve my life. Elsewhere, in John ch. 5, Jesus says, “You diligently study the Scriptures because you think that by them you possess eternal life. These are the Scriptures that testify about me, yet you refuse to come to me to have life.”

I am Nicodemus—or maybe the rich young ruler—I am so hung up on the details and the knowledge and the law that I cannot accept His testimony, do not feel His promptings inside, and will not come to Him to have life. The silence makes me so uncomfortable, but Jesus keeps talking, and that makes me so happy I could cry.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him. Whoever believes in Him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son.”

And maybe that’s the answer to the question. Who is Jesus?

He is the intervening arm of love.

“This is the verdict. Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.”

It doesn’t say here what Nicodemus does at this point. I’m not sure what I’m going to do at this point. It looks like the only hurdle is the willingness to be exposed.

I’d say that I still have a lot of thinking and chewing to do on this topic, but, over again, it seems that the answer is to go to Him. Stop thinking, stop doing, stop trying to be religious or worrying about being right. Stop withholding belief in the absence of understanding. Stop shutting Him up in my life; He was lifted up like the snake in the desert, and I need to quit looking at Moses, or the Torah, or the bites I’ve received over the years from lesser things.

Updates will be given on this topic as they become available.

Smacked in the head with a 2"x4"!!!

2009-01-07T11:15:00.000-08:00

Holy crap.
I'd better write before I lose my chance. I don't have anything of particular importance to share, but feel compelled, considering this little moment may be my only chance for the next 4 or 5 months.....

I think I doubt myself too much sometimes. (Ok, that may be an understatement) I had musicology this morning, and worked myself into a lather of panic and concern.....later, I had PAT 202, which was pretty good, except for the opening inquisition (nobody expected that), and the assignment of 8 PAT projects, many spaced only a week apart. This, in contrast to the 4 projects we had in 201, most of which caused me to crumble into a teary slush with clumps of torn-out hair in my hands...

I have some ideas, and am excited that Santos is going to be grading us a little more holistically, but I can't use those ideas until the second half of the semester because they involve processed audio......I need to come up with some ideas for midi-only projects quickly. I guess, per his desires, I am going to be expanding my horizons and capabilities with midi. The 201 patch project is going to come in really handy here. I need to start getting creative with the sounds I use, and I need to be courageous about stepping away from acoustic music. Now if only those musicals I dreamed were electronic.....

I'm also hungry. But this, too, is just another signal that my life has resumed its frustrating normalcy.

WATS!!

2008-09-17T13:42:00.000-07:00

This week, I made the harrowing, rainy trip across the state from Ann Arbor, to Kalamazoo, to Muskegon to go to the first ever Worship Arts Technology Summit, presented by Shure Microphones, Yamaha Corporation, Yamaha Commercial Audio, and Martin Professional Lighting. Sarah and I made the drive up on Sunday afternoon, and, after a long trip that included accidentally finding ourselves in the completely wrong township, we arrived at Maranatha, incredibly relieved to move in to the Gorton’s cottage.
On the first night, everyone attending the summit gathered to introduce themselves, and we all went around to tell what role we serve in the church, and, ultimately, why we were there. I began to feel increasingly pressured and uncomfortable as the people ahead of me explained how just last week they ran an Avril Lavigne concert, or how they’ve spent the last 45 years running boards at music festivals. “What do I say?!”, I thought. “How do I explain that I’m only here because I think I should be…?”
When my turn came around, I stood up and, despite my best efforts to fabricate some fantastic story about hobnobbing with Bono, I told the truth. “I don’t know why I’m here,” I said. “I’m a musician, and my heart is alive when I sing.” I glanced around nervously, almost certain that the bouncers were coming to carry me out by my elbows at that admission. I continued. “But God brought me here. Somehow He opened doors to get me out of class and halfway across the state – me, the least likely of anyone – and He’s beginning to grow a heart in me to get off the stage and behind a board. I don’t really know what I’m doing here, but ask me again at the end of the week, and I’m confident that I will have learned something.”
My experience at WATS really centers around those first moments of introduction and that confession. Over the following days, I took page after page of notes, halfway motivated by the expectation that God would come over the front-of-house to tell me exactly what He brought me there to do. After all that close listening, I could talk all day about dB-SPL, parametric EQ, the inverse square law, and microphone directionality. I doubt, though, that anyone really cares to hear every bullet point from the M7CL lecture school. So – as any clever writer would do, I will slyly use an analogous story to explain both sides.
On day two, I went to a lecture called “Sound Check and Monitoring Essentials”, and Randy Weitzel from Yamaha Commercial Audio taught us what’s called “ringing out” a microphone. The idea is to search for frequencies that cause a speaker’s microphone to feed back. Like the rest of your EQ, you do this by turning the volume up until you begin to hear the ringing over the PA. Once you hear it, you can sweep frequencies to figure out which frequency is ringing, and then extract it from your mix.
With this practical lesson under my belt, it occurred to me that maybe God didn’t bringing me here to teach me how to ring out a microphone. Maybe He brought me here to ring ME out.
Again and again throughout the week, various different people asked me about MY role in the church, and MY feelings about worship, and what I’M doing to worship, and to help others do the same. I often chuckled nervously and tried to contrive an answer, but God was slowly turning up the intensity and starting to show me the distracting frequencies in my life that are a barrier against clear communication between my heart and His. For me, these frequencies are things like worrying about school, worrying about my career, idolizing relationships with people I love, and trying to better myself to overcome self-doubt. God boosted the gain on all of these concerns this week by taking me out of school, causing me to question my future, causing instability in valuable relationships, and surrounding me with people who are professionals, and amazing at what they do. The extreme discomfort and painful ringing that resulted really served to show me what some of these bad life frequencies are, and there He was, clear as if He were wearing the Shure Beta 53 headset, and coming through the PA: “Seek first His Kingdom, and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you ask well”.
I learned a lot about technology this week, and probably have residual lung damage from the smoke coming off of my pen as I tried to take notes on ALL of it. I’m really excited to be a more competent audiotech, and to be on a first-name basis with some really premiere people in the industry. Put me behind an M7 – I can tweak your compression, fuss with your EQ, pan you, fade you, pad you, give you a high pass filter, or mix your monitors. I set out to learn so that I could stop worrying about what God wanted me to do with technology, and, in the end, I kid of did. But God works in great ways that are not always our ways, and instead of teaching me so that I could stop worrying, He is teaching me that WHEN I stop worrying, and those nagging frequencies fade away, then I will finally be able to hear His voice clearly.